I'm moving to Ikea.

Literally. I told my roommate I'm selling my house tomorrow and moving in to the Icky. My GOD. I love getting out of this shitty town and heading to the Austin area - the environment is entirely different. The biggest thing, I think, is the male:female ratio here. It's literally 2 guys for every girl. This = not many singles.

Austin, however, is not at all the same. You may not know this but it's among the top 10 (perhaps number one - I don't feel like googling it though) cities in the United States for dating. Tons of singles around my age.

Which brings me to Ikea. My GOD. I saw some of the nicest asses I've ever seen today. In fact, I saw one girl with whom I am already in love - though I've never spoken to her. My GOD. Gorgeous. Probably the most attractive girl I've seen in a while (perhaps ever).

Know what the great thing about Ikea is? It's a big fucking circle that you've got to go around and around and around. This means I see the same beautiful asses over and over and over. I saw the aforementioned beauty about six times - and made quite sure she knew I'd seen her. Then I saw her again at the checkout counter - each time that amazing ass popping out behind her. MMMMM. Brunette, green eyes... tan skin - about 5'6. Beautiful smile, too. I love you, whatever your name is. Oh, and that was a nice engagement ring you had on.

I can't wait 'til I'm done with this fucking degree. It's movin' time.

Why do I do this to Myself?

Long night last night.

I called two of my buddies to see if they want to go grab some food and we headed out to Hooters.  As it turns out, one of my buddies - who bartends (is that a word?  Firefox wants me to correct it) at a big bar in the city - knows all these girls because they come to his bar all the time.

Anyway, three pitchers in to the night we find out the Hooters girls are going out.  My buddy's off - so we go out.

Mistake.

See, I came in to work on Sunday morning HUNG OVER.  Vomiting.  Sickly.  It would be a mistake to come in hung over again, right?  And with a bartender for a friend - especially this one in particular - it's only natural to expect to get trashed.

And trashed is what I got.

We walked in to the club - no cover.  Shot after shot after shot - no charge. 

See, I've come to the conclusion that having to pay for ones drinks is sometimes good.  You know, for those rare occasions that you go out in hopes of NOT getting fucked up.  Having to spend money slows down drinking progress.

There was no such slowdown last night.  Shot.  Shot.  Hey let's go take a shot.  Shot?

And then back to my house to get even more trashed.

Here I am - writing this from work. 

FUCK.

Words of Wisdom from a Subway Venture

Call it what you will - "Wrong"-way, Jared's Fun House... Subway is a veritable crockpot of wisdom.

Take this tidbit from a group of teenagers who were strategically positioned directly BEHIND me as I stood in line:

Young Dude #1: "Man, I'm glad I'm not one-hundred and four."

Then later on that minute...

Young Dude #2: "Man, when I hit seventy I'm going to go buy a viper. I'm gonna take that thing down the highway as fast I can and the COPS are gonna take me out. Death by high-speed chase."

Young Dude #3: "Yeah dude - I'm gonna go skydiving. And I'm not gonna pull the chute."

I laughed out loud at all of this. Amazing what our youth do to prepare themselves for old age.

Amazing.

An Accurate Fortune Cookie

This was the fortune cookie I received at lunch:

Today is a disastrous day.
If you can't beat em, join em.

I found out today I didn't get an interview for the job I would have been guaranteed were it not for work issues I had last year.

My boss says she would play the lottery numbers printed on the fortune cookie. In fact, she says she'd play them every day for the next week.

Amazing, eh?

On to happier things...

I do my best to catch a movie at our theater at least once a week. Although the inflated prices of EVERYTHING does leave me with a bit of a shitty, flesh-eating-acid taste in my mouth I buy my tickets anyway. Why?

Because it's worth it.

There's a lot to be said for the joy of watching a movie at the big screen with Dolby x.xx surround sound (technology moves so quickly!), ass quaking in your seat as you spill nacho cheese on your brand new flops. Not to mention your feet! Mmm... hot nacho feet...

But anwyay.

Hot Rod was hilarious. If you liked Napoleon Dynamite you'll like this one just as much. This is, quote my roommate, "one of those movies you have to see again." The movie was just as stupid as ND but the plot was much more substantial. Where ND only barely nudged at an attempt at progressive storyline before moving to its next bare nudge, Hot Rod shares a complete thought with the audience before moving on to its next awesomely jackassed cut. I don't want to give any of the story away - I want you to be completely surprised by the absolute genius of the plot. Geniusly stupid.

Meanwhile, Bourne Ultimatum was pure genius. My bad if you don't like seeing two positive reviews of a movie on the same page - you're fucked.

That movie was awesome. Bourne owns faces. Multiple faces - all at once. He's like, "Hey! Your face is MINE." But he can use both hands and feet and his head all at once to own lots of those gesicthen.

Spoiler Warning: Plot Details .. of a sort.. follow

Basically the movie starts with Bourne being a badass and figuring shit out. Then it proceeds to him whoopin' lots of ass. Moves shortly thereafter to fig'ring more stuff out while SIMULTANEOUSLY WHOOPIN' ASS! Then just straight whoops ass, gets a chick kinda sprung on him without ANY effort - kicks some MORE ass and gets a little bit beat up himself because (as I've mentioned in this blog before) motherf*ckers can't drive - and then figures more shit out then kicks a little ass.

My bad for ruining the movie for you.

Bullshit of all bullshit - Illegal Immigration Rant

My friend returned last weekend from a trip to the Texas/Mexico border.  Said friend is a National Guard member who helps patrol border towns in an attempt to find illegal immigrants.  However, his team are not hunting illegals down to force them back to Mexico.  Quite to the contrary, they are providing free medical and dental services to any takers.  "We don't even ask them for ID," says friend.  "We take over churches, hospitals - whatever - with the express goal of giving immigrants free medical."

 

A noble cause, to be sure - but it's bullshit.

 

It's bullshit because another very close friend of mine recently lost his job (ergo his medical and dental insurance) and now has a problem with a tooth that needs dire attention.  He can't eat solid food his tooth is killing him so much.  The costs to correct this issue will easily mount to $800- 1000.00 even with discount generic antibiotics and (hopefully discount and generic) painkillers.

 

I'm all about helping other nationals who need help - I have no problem with the IDEA of illegal immigrants (especially if they pay taxes, though many do not) - but you know what?  If an American citizen in need can't find help and our military (reserve or otherwise) is PROACTIVELY offering medical assistance to <em>non-citizens</em> we have a severe problem.

 

Anyone who can suggest methods of assistance for my friend would be much appreciated.  In the meantime I'm going to go dunk my steaming head in cold water.

Why we don't discuss religion at work

I was the victim of a "better-than-thou" discussion earlier this week.

 

A middle-aged gentleman in my office began ranting about how much better he'd be doing than I am now were he like me: young, good-looking, single (his words, not mine.  Not that I'd disagree).  He explained how he'd have a huge 401k, own a house and so on so forth.

 

I quickly rebutted by telling him I DO own my own house, I DO have a nicely stocked 401k and I'm almost done with my first of two degrees.

 

He responded, "Wow!  You're doing well for yourself.  Nice house, good job, getting an education..."

 

"...now all you need is Jesus!"

 

I had to leave the room to avoid slapping the shit out of him. 

Choices..

An election year is right around the corner and we have some of the most diverse REALISTIC choices this country has ever had. A woman and African American male are finally possible candidates for president! One hundred - nay, fifty! nay, twenty! - years ago such a thing could never have been imagined.

I'm glad our country has finally progressed this far.

You know, I think I'm leaning towards Obama for this job. Not because of his "issues" or his "experience" - if anything those would be strikes against him.

I like him because he's young and he's different. I'm tired of seeing rich white guys in office. They all do the same thing. Talk. I'm interested in seeing what a rich black guy is going to do for our country.

Perhaps a bit more social reform?

Perhaps an administration that doesn't just throw MONEY at our problems?

Perhaps more effort towards peaceful relationships with the rest of the world - from the middleground. No more pure ass-kissing; no more gunning down countries we don't like.

Most will argue that he's a weak candidate due to lack of "experience." Forgive me - but what qualifies ANYONE to run the greatest country on the planet? Nothing. That's what. What people call "experience" usually refers to the time politicians have spent fucking their constituents over.

I think I'd prefer someone with less experience than I would someone who's a practiced lying prick.

Just my two hundred thousand million billion rupees.

Energy Drinkers Anonymous

Up to now I've been a massive energy drink addict. I'd pound 40+ ounces of pure, green/blue/red/orange/purple/teal/indigo CANNED energy per day. I had no choice - without my Canned Energy I was energy-less.

I'm happy to say I've recovered. "How?" you may ask. To which I would reply:



Yes folks. Arizona Green Tea. A lifesaver - and a money saver. For the price of ONE energy drink I can purchase a week's supply of this Green Green Golden Green Golden Delicious Purple Goodness.

And just to get more visitors:



If it worked for my buddy at Tongue in Check it'll work for me!