This is hilarious... and other news.

New type of stop sign?  Check that out here: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,298599,00.html

 

In other news, I'm still talking to the girl from last week.  Man did my strategy ever work.  She is what we call "sprung" - her words, not mine.  Seriously - text message says:  "Wow you've got me spruuuuung."  Out of nowhere.

 

So what do I do?  Take it slow.  That's what.  Slow slow slow slow slow.  If there's anything I've learned about fast springs is that they're usually followed by even faster endings.

 

Also - my mother just pissed me off more than she ever has.  We agreed I'd do some work for her for $50.00 per weekend.  That money has really helped out in lieu of the recent work problems and my roommate having trouble paying rent.  Well, she gets pissed at me out of nowhere and without explanation does the job herself.  I was counting on that money for food for the week (yes, these past few months have been THAT bad) and it's just gone.  I'm so furious I've hung up on her 4 times during conversation - something I have NEVER, EVER, EVER done. 

 

Fortunately I got the best head ever last night.

 

That is all.

 

Laying the Daddy Dick

I've made two decisions in the past six months.  One - no sleeping with chicks that I don't find EXTREMELY attractive.  Two - when I find a chick that I find EXTREMELY attractive, lay the Daddy Dick Down.

This is what occurred last night.  The Daddy Dick was laid down.  If you don't know what that means you may need to a.) go practice having amazing sex or b.) go find a new partner.

Anyway - laying the DD is key to continuing sexual relationships with hot women.  There's a cardinal rule - lay it down well enough the first time and they'll always let you back.  Always.  There are temporary exceptions such as boyfriends and affiances that get in the way on occasion - but when it comes down to it: give her some amazing dick and you'll have a special place in her heart forever.

Mission Daddy Down: Accomplished.

You know those toll free numbers on food product labels?

Well, I called one today. Here's the transcript of our conversation:

Rep: Thanks for calling Van Camp. This is ****. How may I help you?
Me: Hey. My name's **** and I work for Texas Fitness, a company based out of Arkansas. One of my clients has a very important question.
Rep: Okay. How can I help?
Me: You know your beanie weenie product? Exactly what is the ratio of beanies to weenies?
Rep: Uhhhh...
Me: In other words, how many beanies per weenie in a can of Beanie Weenies?
Rep: Umm. I don't know, but I can have our health gurus research this and get back to you.
Me: *Tee hee hee hee*

Taking a Step Forward by Taking One Backward

My house is becoming too expensive.

 

While I've been incredibly proud of being able to purchase a house at 19, it's time to eat my pride and sell this damn thing.  Taking on a house has also meant taking on an incredible amount of debt - an INCREDIBLE amount - and it's eating away at me day by day.  I've never been so broke as I am now - and I have no right to be broke with my pay.  My house payment is going up ANOTHER hundred dollars a month thanks to rampant tax hikes (it JUST went up $100.00 at the beginning of this year)...

 

So yeah.  Big life change. 

 

I figure with the profits from my home sales and about 6 months of living with a friend at an extremely low rate o' rent I should be completely debt free (minus a car payment) by the end of that period.

 

Thank goodness.

Really?

This girl has been jocking me for over two months now and I've given her absolutely no indication that I am in any way interested - which is to say that I've given her EVERY indication that I am NOT interested.

However - I manage to do this while being a perfect gentleman. Which, in retrospect, is probably the problem because women can't take fucking hints and require men to be complete assholes in order to get their points across. But I digress.

Last night this all came to a proverbial head. Why proverbial? Because.

She comes up to me at the bar and says to me, "Do you even know my name?"

Yeah, really. That just happened.

After responding with an of course and repeating her name (I asked her if she'd forgotten it - she hadn't.) our conversation took a wrong turn.

It turned on to Lie Ville.

Her: "Sorry about those text messages I sent you the other night. I was drunk."
Me: "No, it's cool. I know you were trashed. We've all been there - don't worry about it."

Her: "No really - I'm super embarassed. I can't believe I did that."
Me: "No worries. Let's not even bring it up. How've you been?"

Her: "But don't worry - I actually sent that message to like, nine guys. I didn't even mean to send that to you - so it's okay."
Me (having had enough): "I don't know what's worse - that you're lying to my face or the fact that you might really have sent that message to nine other guys."

Her (much later, an aside to a friend): "He's obviously gay."

Wow.

When the green is away the sex drive will play...

Sucks. I've purposely avoided trying to get laid all the time in order to focus on more important things - like getting totally blazed. And school and work, of course.

See, this semi-constant state of being really baked has tamed my otherwise overzealous sex drive amazingly well. I have fewer "relationship" problems - probably the result of not being in a relationship for, oh... all year. My phone doesn't ring at ALL hours of the night because someone needs a widdle bit of attention (there IS a cost to sex. They call it "paying attention" for a reason!) My text messages aren't counted in the five-or-six-thousands per month - which is also great.

However, indulging in the green must be slowed. How unfortunate - I have other priorities to manage. Such as peeing in a cup.

This means I'm going to want to get laid more and more and more and more and more. This also means spending time to "spit game" at the local women. But as you may remember (if you're the .5 person that reads this blog - statistics don't lie people!) I'm not a big fan of the local women. Because they all know each other. EVERY. LAST. ONE. If I explained to you the amount of times I've been CB'd (read: cock blocked) by some jealous ex I'd fill a book.

So this leaves me at a crux.

The solution is simple. All my female readers should come and put out immediately.

Thank You.

An Update

Work sucks.

A good friend of mine got the job I wanted but wasn't given the opportunity to apply for because of said attendance problem almost one year ago. I'm glad for her but I deserved an opportunity to interview. Unfortunately my company has the worst attendance policy in the world so I'll never be able to interview for any job. Which is why I have other interviews scheduled this week. If my company won't use my talents I'll find someone that will. What's that? Your computer doesn't work? That sucks - I work in another town altogether. Good luck getting the IT guy that's never there to do the job he's been paid to do. He's too used to me doing it now. Oh, and that website I built for our division? That one that has made us look "so good"? That's mine.

Remind me to never check my blog at work again.

Rivers, however, are fun. A ton of us went out for a float. Awesome time.

That is all.