Monday, June 25, 2007

Movie Time!

Saw 1408 last night.  Had a pretty good time.  Let's talk about that.
 
BUT FIRST.
 
Let's talk about hypocrisy in Hollywood. 
 
You know those pre-trailer advertisements that flash on the screen while random singles play in the background?  You know the ones.  With public service announcements and advertisements for local fried-chicken places and stuff.  Yeah, those.
 
So a screen promoting abstinence comes up.  "It's worth the wait."
 
The background music to these images?  Natasha Beddingfield's "I Wanna Have Your Babies."
 
I'm sorry - what?  I'm getting mixed messages.  Is this your way of advertising pregnancy without having sex?  Are you spreading Christianity (a la immaculate conception) or are you backing neo-feminists and their agenda to destroy the male gender and produce a solely female race?!
 
Man.  Crazy.
 
So yeah - 1408.  Pretty good movie.  You should see it. 

Friday, June 22, 2007

So I haven't blogged in a bit...

Busy busy busy.
 
So have you ever accidentally lied and gotten called out on it?  When you were called out did you try to correct yourself with a "what I MEANT to say was" in order to restore whatever karma you may have damaged?
 
Yeah?
 
Well fuck that.  I got caught last night and just RAN with it. 
 
Story: out with a few buddies last night I was talking about this girl.  I MEANT to say "I used to mess around with" but ACTUALLY ended up saying something totally different.  Like, I used to sleep with.  The difference was only one word - but we need not repeat the sentence.  It'll make me look like an ass.
 
In fairness I was really drunk. 
 
So he was all "No you didn't.  Otherwise you'd have told me earlier."
 
I quickly realized he was completely right.  I was cornered.  What was my next move?  I either come out and explain what I meant to say and clear the air  - all while allowing my friend a small moral victory and a moment of "Ahhhhhhh.... yeah, yeah.  Okay," smugness...
 
...or I lie.
 
"Fuck you, yes I did.  I didn't tell you because I haven't seen her forever."
 
"No you didn't."
 
"Fuck you.  Yes I did."
 
"Liar."
 
"Fuck you.  I'm not a liar."
 
Note: At this point I was lying my ass off.
 
I basically beat him in to submission with my lie.  Now the question: do I tell him the truth today?
 
Fuck it.
 
I wonder how long it'll take me to believe my own lie if I keep telling it to myself over and over and over and over.  I give it 5 more minutes.
 
 

Thursday, June 14, 2007

That Most Unmentionable of Human Functions

** Editor's Note: If you have a problem with reading about poop do not continue! **

Why is it that at the moments you need the most privacy there is absolutely none to be found?

I was in class today and I had to POOP. I hate using public restrooms but I'd delayed this reprieve for the entire day and it was time to unload.

I was in a classroom in a relatively empty building (late evening course) and decided I'd go ALL the way downstairs to use one of the restrooms down there as this restroom is typically empty at this time of night.

So I go downstairs and it's a fucking PARTY! May as well have tapped a keg and passed ou the Jaeger Bombs because that floor was damned well PACKED!

Go fuckin' figure.

I still took that poop though. Best. Poop. Ever.

Are your eyes burning? Yeah, you shouldn't have read this. Sorry.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Have you ever noticed

how Word Verification when you're signed in is longer than it is when you're not?

Seriously - when I'm signed in and want to leave a comment the verification word is always something like "asdafariquizablieajibblegoog".

When I'm NOT signed in it's "aerfja".

You'd think you'd trust me more as a signed in member, but you've elected to force MORE STRENUOUS security measures on me! Punishment!

I hate thee, Google. I hate thee yet I love thee.

And thy jibblegoogs.

This is why I hate dating in this town

So during break in one of my classes this sexy Rican starts talking to me - telling me about her major, her life, interests...
 
Definitely feeling me.
 
So after class I start walking her to her car and we continue our conversation.  Then the magic questions pops up.  "So... how old are you?"
 
"21," I say.  I wish I had lied.
 
Her entire body slumps - I call this a "countenance droop".
 
Well, the discussion continues and until a few minutes ago I'm convinced I can still get her number.  In fact, I STILL thinkI can but I won't.
 
Because you see...  I began telling my buddy about this girl and exactly what happened to me. 
 
As it turns out, she was just over at his house the other night.
 
Yes, my friend is ALREADY talking to this "random" girl that started talking to me in my class.
 
FUCK. 

Monday, June 11, 2007

Epiphany

So I was walking to the house today and tripped, fell right on my face.  I got up and grabbed my hurt face and thought to myself, "Man - this country puts too much emphasis on individuality."
 
I know, weird.  Most of us would think about how bad our face hurts.  I think about pressing societal issues.
 
But seriously - what is it with self-empowerment and our country's interest in the individual?  Have we really considered the dangers caused by people who care only about themselves?
 
We'll have no doctors, nurses, dentists ...  just plastic surgeons.  Entire ARMIES of plastic surgeons.  With their surgery guns and ninja outfits.
 
What a cruel world THAT will be.  The ninja outfits will probably be all tacky and shit. 
 
In other news I got wasted this weekend.  Really, really wasted.  Like - parts of my night are forgotten.  I don't generally allow myself to lapse in to the void of Blackout but this weekend was a "fuck-it" weekend if I've ever seen one.  And I have.  Since, you know, last weekend WAS one.
 
So I fucked it.  And it fucked right back.
 
Needless to say, Recovery Day sucked ass.  But I'm back at work.  Suffering.
 
The things I do to pay my mortgage.
 

Friday, June 8, 2007

So an update

I took half of yesterday off work so I could get some stuff caught up in a class whose first (and only) in-class meeting I'd missed. 
 
It turns out the class is actually a "working" class - as in I work in their computer lab for 6 hours a week providing PC tech support.  What?  SWEET.
 
In other news, I went to a nearby Italian restaurant by myself yesterday and as I walked in an attractive woman in her mid-twenties looked up at me and gave me a big smile.  I was seated in the booth in front of her and was going to begin conversation when she started talking on her phone - to another guy, obviously a dating prospect, about the guy she wasn't over yet. 
 
I was GOING to start a conversation until I listened to her discuss (over and over) how she still had feelings for the last guy...
 
...so when her phone call ended I just turned around, smiled and said "Back in the dating game, eh?"  She smiled back and said, "Yes, I'm afraid so.  Unfortunately."  I simply replied "Good luck," and turned back to my food.
 
Stranger still...  I noticed something about myself in the shower this morning.  APPARENTLY I've been the victim of a tragic foreskin accident.  I asked my parents about this and as it turns out this accident occured at birth.  Some zany doctor simply cut it off.
 
All I could think was, "Damn, if that doctor had been any more drunk I might have been a woman right now."

Thursday, June 7, 2007

Entitlement

I hate that I have to post this again but this lady makes me piss angry.  (Never heard that term before?  Me neither.  I think I made it up - and it's awesome.)
 
Just so you know: 
  • You are not entitled to anything from me.  I owe you exactly NIL.
  • No one ELSE owes you anything either.  You're an average performer with a sub-average IQ.  You're nothing special.
  • STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS WHOSE ANSWERS YOU CAN DISCOVER ON YOUR OWN IN A MATTER OF MOMENTS!
  • For fuck's sake, if an application we use has been down all morning and you want to know if it's up DON'T ASK ME!  I may be far superior to you in intelligence and may be much better at my job but I don't have a spidey-sense that tingles when (insert-broken-application-here) is back in service.

You're annoying me.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Shut. The Fuck. Up.

Seriously.
 
You've been here for six years LONGER than I have.  You've been dealing with the same systems, same customers, same rules and regulations that we have today and are SIX YEARS MY SENIOR in this organization.  You're also twenty years older than me.
 
Why do you have to ask stupid questions?
 
More importantly, why do you ask ME stupid questions?
 
What makes you think I want to answer them?  What makes you think I have nothing better to do?  Surely you realize my job is as important to me as yours is to you.
 
Stop asking me questions.  In fact, just stop TALKING to me because every word that comes out of your mouth is worthless.  You're either professing your spiritual superiority or talking about how you-you-you-you want/need/have/are going to get something.
 
I.  Don't.  Care.
 
Please bitch. 
 
Shut.  The Fuck.  Up.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Another Monday...

It smells like swimming outside.  I've decided there's no better way to put it.
 
You know that swimming smell.  That chlorine-splash, hot, wet, pool-water-evaporating-off-the-extremely-hot-pavement-around-the-pool that's so extremely hot you want to run back to the water but for the large "NO RUNNING" sign posted on the wall and the lifeguard with that great tan on the great body in her dark sunglasses through which you can't tell whether or not she's watching.
 
That smell.
 
Weird how scents are so closely associated to memories.
 
I "got some" last night.  It was good "some" but afterwards I realized it wasn't really what I wanted it to be.  I want that FULFILLING "some" with some emotion (on my part, at least but preferably mutual) attached to it rather than get-naked-screw-and-finish.
 
Man, I'm using a lot of hyphenation.
 
So yeah - another day, another couple hundred dollars and hours upon hours of indoctri-cation courtesy the state University system.
 
Magical, eh?
 
 

Friday, June 1, 2007

Ode to Bad Drivers

For those to whom green means STOP and red means SLOW DOWN...
 
For those who HAVE to wait at the stop sign because, although the three nearest lanes are completely clear, the fourth and furthest lane is completely full and that's where you HAVE to go.  Because...  you know...
 
For those who are in SUCH a hurry to take their lefts that they must cut directly in front of me at extremely rapid speeds requiring me to slam my breaks so hard I hit my head against my steering wheel...
 
For those who MUST be on the fast lane of the highway regardless of the fact that they are going 20 miles per hour under the speed limit...
 
I hate you and hope someone pees on the hoods of your cars.  I hope that persons urine is so acidic it immediately causes your paint to peel and your hood to warp and rust.
 
And I hope that paint job that person just messed up was brand new and REALLY, REALLY expensive.
 
Stupid dunderheads.