I hate driving in this town..

We have a bunch of professional shitty drivers in this town.

 

I was trying to take a left off a busy intersection during a red light.  This should not be a problem because good drivers will stop in such a way as to leave roads open during their stay at the Red Light Inn.  However, in my town drivers seem to think it is right and proper to park their huge SUVs directly in my path, blocking traffic going in and out of side roads and residential neighborhoods. 

 

It's pretty ridiculous and creates a huge traffic problem but no one seems to care.

 

Anger and fury are words which describe my feelings towards the drivers in my town.  Anger, fury and kitten-face-punches.

No No No

Have you ever had someone come back in to your life who was somehow bad news?  But somehow you make the same mistake again and again?

What is it about the holidays that brings old flames runnin' back?

Drive-Thru Reflections

Nosy as ever, I found myself peering in to the driver's side mirror of the car two spots in front of me to see what the girl driving looked like.  She caught me looking - and yes, she was cute - and I smiled at her.  She smiled back at me and kept her eyes in her mirror while she received her bag of food.  Then she just drove off.

Made me think of a few times when there was some sort of click - some sort of minute and immediate and just there connection with some girl I could have talked to - and I just didn't.  I talked myself out of it for some reason or other.  Really, why the hell didn't I just say hi?  Make a quick introduction and see where it went?

Really, when did I become such a pussy?

Don't touch that!

With the Longhorns leading 21-0 and the Sun Devils driving early in the second quarter, ASU's Rudy Carpenter dropped back to pass and was hit by linebacker Roddrick Muckelroy. The ball squirted backward, toward the Longhorns' sideline.

Jessie, a member of his stepfather's football operations staff, stepped about a yard onto the field and was motioning toward a player when he reached down and appeared to touch the ball with his left thumb. Texas defensive tackle Roy Miller slapped the ball away from the sideline and defensive end Aaron Lewis recovered and returned it to about the ASU 44.

After a 12-minute review, officials reversed the play. They ruled that Jessie touched the ball, which is illegal interference, an unsportsmanlike foul. The ball reverted to the Sun Devils and Texas was penalized half the distance to the goal, giving ASU fourth-and-3 at the 7. Carpenter threw a touchdown pass to Chris McGaha.

 

Unforgettable indeed.  Good thing they won the game!  Don't touch until you hear a whistle blow, buddy!

 

I can't help but think that were this anyone but the coaches' stepson this guy'd have been fired on the spot.  But hey, he says he didn't touch it - maybe he didn't!

The "Other" Kind of Dating

You know, it's not just men that say funny shit to get a date.  A female friend of mine just asked me if I wanted to date.  I said no and explained the millions of reasons why not - except the most crucial, hearbreaking one...  you know, "I'm just not that in to you." 

 

See, you can never really say that.  Ever.  Women suspect it anyway - if they didn't they wouldn't keep prodding and asking and begging when you say no.  In fact, I think that's true of both men and women - for some reason we're a glutton for punishment and "no" is just not ever enough.

 

But I digress - get this.

 

H: "But we've been safe dating for forever.."

P: "I'm sorry...  how's that?"

 

H:  "Haha fooled you!  Every time we went to the movies we were safe dating.  And you didn't even know it!"

P:  "But weren't you seeing someone at the time?  Were you "safe cheating?"

 

I think that's the best pickup line a girl has ever thrown my way.

Merry Christmas!

And coincidentally my 100th post.

Fitting.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Bye bye beautiful...

...don't bother to write.

I don't quite understand what makes people send one text message and then completely ignore any further responses to that message.  If you don't want to talk to me why text at all?  I have one reasonable suspicion - you were making a booty call and something came up.  Ex boyfriend?  Former lover?  Makes sense - but consider all your options BEFORE sending me a message.

And you ma'am.  You didn't seem interested enough after our first "date" - and now you're texting me two weeks later.  But I didn't respond last night because I was busy and didn't notice your message - and now you won't respond to my responses.  My only reasonable suspicion?  You needed me to get you something twenty-year old girls can't get on their own on a late Friday night. 

See what happens when you pull the "text-and-disappear?"  I conclude further conversation with you will be a waste of my time.

Just got this text

"Did you know my husband was banging customers when you worked for him?"

Seriously?  That was 4 years ago.  How the hell did you get my number?!

This is what work has become

Chess against a co-worker. 

 

Your queen is mine, buddy.  Come over here and make your move.

You ladies are silly

I just had a girl tell me "my friends have decided - we should date.  Think about it."

 

I was floored, but I think I hid it pretty well.

 

I mean, dating by committee?  I'm flattered...  I think?  But no...  let's keep it at a friend level.  You and I are not compatible.

 

This is definitely the most novel way I've ever been asked out.  Ever.

Imagining

how amazing my house is going to look with freshly painted walls and these stunning hardwood floors.

Ironic that I can only now begin to afford to improve my home - just as I'm selling it.

Listening to Flyleaf just makes me think about rough sex with the lead singer.  At first glance she's not at all my type physically - but man, at 4'11" and all of 90 pounds I can think of a few walls, fences and other solid, stationary objects I'd slam her up against (or with if you catch my drift).

Or should I be thinking of sweet, slow sex?

Fuck that - rough sex is on the mind.  Why fight it?

My Internet Needs Work

Talking to a girl through IM:

Girl:  Ugh, I'm sick.
Me:  Really?  What's the matter?
Girl:  I have a cold and my tonsils are swollen.
Me:  Really?  How swollen exactly?

I would -never- ask that in person.  Why would I ask that over the internet?  I think the problem is I have way too much time to think about what I say on the web - and I end up thinking it to death.

Ugh.

I don't get it

Why do people get mad at things that didn't actually happen?

 

You won't believe the asshole who cut me off on the freeway today.  He almost caused a wreck!

 

How is that possible?

 

Now, I'm not the guy who cut you off on the freeway.  We don't even call it the freeway here.  I don't even know if what we have qualifies as a freeway - is there a difference between a freeway and a highway?  I should wiki-p that shit.

 

All that aside, my point is this - it makes no sense to get mad at shit that didn't happen.  That wreck DIDN'T HAPPEN!  You can't honestly prove that he almost caused a wreck.  Almost is difficult to quantify.  Why add drama and stress to your life?  Why not just be glad you didn't get hit and move on?

 

Further - why can't people just ... drop shit?

 

I'm sorry I left the milk out and it spoiled.  But hey man, the milk is gone!  We ain't gettin' that jug of milk back, dude!  I'll just spend the 3.50 required to purchase a new one and voila !  Problem solved.

 

Why remind someone three weeks later of a trivial error?  The world didn't end because the milk spoiled.  Why not just look at it from the brighter side, man - you just got a fresher jug of milk!  Sweet!

 

I just can't understand why people don't see it my way.  They should really start.

Closing Game

This is going to sound silly but I have something I'll call a "closing game" which I use for the express intent of burning myself in a particular female's mind before leaving a room.  Generally this is a female with whom I felt some sort of connection but did not have sufficient time to get to really know.

 

There are many little facets of the game that are important, but there's one that I use with great effect that seems to improve my chances of getting somewhere with a woman the next time we meet.  It's always the last move of the night, so I call it the "goodbye grab."  Sound inappropriate?  Not when done correctly.

 

It stems from a Rule that I've discovered:  when a sufficient first impression has been given to a woman, she will associate her entire opinion of you with her LAST IMPRESSION OF YOU.

 

Basically, first impressions are important - but the last impression is the most important because it will most likely be the only thing she really remembers.

 

Case-in-point - I met a girl named KC (read phonetically, spelled otherwise) with whom I made an excellent first impression.  Unfortunately, something came up and I had to leave our group rather unexpectedly - so I couldn't say goodbye. 

 

Now regardless of how well she thought of me initially she continues to associate me with an asshole who didn't find her interesting or important enough to say goodbye to.

 

Yes - women think like that.

 

So anyway - last night's implementation of "the grab":

 

I began saying my adieus to my buddies at the bar and came to her last.  She was talking to someone else and didn't see me come up - so rather than surprising her I said goodbye to the person she was talking to first so she knew what to expect.

 

This is key - if you surprise her with the grab it DOES become inappropriate.  Let her know you're there first.

 

After saying goodbye to the person she was speaking to, I looked at her and gently grabbed her shoulder - naturally she turned towards me and I was the center of her attention.  I then looked her in the eye, smiled - said something to make her smile and then left.

 

The important stuff in the sentence was in bold but here's an outline:

 

1.)  The shoulder grab was crucial - it made her turn towards me and focus on me completely.  It is KEY to be the center of her attention at this point or none of this will do you any good.

2.)  I looked her in the eye and smiled - her last image of me was as pleasant and as attractive as possible.

3.)  I made HER smile - which means she felt good for a moment - JUST LONG ENOUGH to associate my presence, my touch and my smile with GOOD feelings.

 

Remember folks:  the human mind is extremely ASSOCIATIVE.  Associate with positive and you'll win.

 

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming...

 

 

A Question of Morality

Often when I go out with a particular friend and he brings a date she seems to walk away from him and show me interest.

Here's the thing, though - I don't step on my friend's toes. 

Last night was a really golden opportunity though.  A girl I hadn't seen in five years.  She was stunning.  I wanted her.  Badly.  Nine hours later and I regret not at least TRYING.  She kept walking away from him to come lean, touch, talk to me.

 

I mean, where's the point that I can just make a move and feel okay living with the consequences?




 

So wow - good news?

So a dime piece from my past text me out of nowhere last night.

What?  You want background?  Well, okay.

We have a past.

Anyway, she went off to another state and she's back for the Christmas holidays. 

Here's hoping good news.

Only Children

Only children get a lot of crap because of this overwhelming assumption that they "always get their way."  Apparently these children - and yes, I am among the poor bastards - are quick to anger because they've been coddled all their lives by parents whose only goal in life was to take care of their only Unique Snowflake.

This is quickly followed by quips pointing out that because they grew up with siblings they are better adjusted for the world because they have magically learned to be selfless.

 

I'd like to call bullshit. and I have mentally labored for one/many hour(s), renumerating my enumerations and such, in order to do so.

 

Yes - only children do take "not getting their way" a little harder than others.

 

But not because you sibling'd bastards are special little snowflakes.

 

Only children simply aren't used to the many variables introduced by the addition of brothers and sisters in to a family. 

 

Think about this - most plans go awry because something "came up."  That THING is generally an issue that has occurred in some OTHER person's life:

 

1. Grandma Got Sick
2. We had to visit grandma in the hospital
3. We missed the hockey game.

Now, if you have siblings the likelihood of things going wrong grows exponentially with the addition of each family member.  Sister #1 broke her leg, Sister #2 pissed mom off, Brother #3 got caught beating off in the azaleas again.  And each of these things can really screw your plans up.

 

Over time you've gotten used to this because, well, things happen to people all the time.

 

Only children, God Bless Them, do not have as many variables and therefore automatically run a slimmer risk of having their plans ruined.  This means such children may not be quite as used to fuck ups as they grow older.

 

This does not mean you, oh haver of siblings, are more giving or kind or generous than me.  Nor does it mean that I'm more selfish and needy than you.

 

It simply means we're both products of our environment.  Unfortunately, your environment produced a dick-headed, pretentious, condescending ugly stuck up prick and mine produced an angel.

 

But that's your problem.

 

Asshole.

 

Google is Psychic

Counsellor In Cultivation's most recent post made me think of one of my biggest turn-ons. A woman with some nice hips.

So I went on a google image hunt with a particular image in mind - unfortunately I couldn't remember the name of the model for whom I was searching so I just typed "Victoria's Secret Models" in.

Fortunately, that was enough information for google to connect to my subconscious (did I give google the username and password???) because it asked me if I was looking for Adriana Lima - which I was.

Anyway, she's the best example of perfect hips I could find on the internet. God, what a turn on. A flat stomach surrounded on either side by hips you can grab and... whoo.

Now that I think about it this is what attracted me to one of the girls I mentioned earlier in this blog. Her midsection was absolutely ridiculous. God, she'd ride me and I'd just watch her hips grind and it was the most beautiful thing in the world at that moment.

Too bad she was crazy, huh?

Let it never be said that we are not slaves

Because we certainly are.

 

We're slaves to technology, to our jobs, to fashion trends, to one another insomuch as we care about what others think about us.

 

We're slaves to educational institutions, The Rich, taxes, our Vices (be they nicotine, caffeine or addictions with longer names) our thoughts, our fears, our government - we've slaves to the complacency that has set in across the country as society convinces us that Everything Is Okay Just Breathe.

 

We are slaves to the last dollar in our bank accounts - to Beacon, FICO, Transunion, Equifax and Experian - we are slaves to our past and to industry and to our Property.

 

We never own anything because in the end what we have ends up owning us.  Defining us. 

 

Is this really what life's all about?  Money in the bank?  An 800 on some database somewhere?  All the other bs that "we can't take with us?"

 

If so....

 

Totally weak.

How Did He Know?

A little background before I tell today's story: I don't work in a particularly nice part of town. In fact, I work in the straight-up hood. Yes, straight-up.

Every morning before work (and sometimes during depending on how fast time decides to move that morning) I go to a nearby convenience store to get an energy drink.

There are five other, nicer convenience stores I could visit - but they don't carry the particular brand of drink I want. Nor could my patronage there ever give me such a story to tell.

Anyway, I told you that to tell you this:

This morning I went to my usual store to grab my usual Canned Energy Supplement. I passed two panhandlers, went in and made my purchase. I have to pay in cash here because they won't let customers use a card unless $5 or more is spent - so I gave the guy a fiver and paid for my drink.

Walking out the door one of the guys asks me for change - eighty-five cents.

First of all, I applaud him for his technique. By asking for a specific amount he probably increases his chances of skeeving change off an unwary passer-by because he creates the illusion that he might be purchasing something useful - other than malt liquor.

Second of all, my energy drink cost $2.15. I paid with a five-dollar bill.

My change was eighty-five cents.

Apparently this hobo was psychic. Naturally I pulled the wool over his eyes and lied to him - I don't have ANY change.

And as I turned around the most beautiful, voluptuous crack-ho ever walked up to the store. She pirouetted gracefully in her crack-trance, twitching and looking around her warily.

Psychic hobos and ballerina crack whores make my life complete.

Half-Click

So another date today, this time for lunch.

Since I had the day off I decided to play the part and go out looking as modelish as possible. I gotta say, totally pulled it off. The restaurant wasn't too too busy - and everywhere I looked people were looking at me.

I think I pulled off the charm bit pretty damn well, too - just being myself and such.

Now I'm wondering if Karma is out to get me. What if it's my turn to get paid back for all these dates where I was the one unable to grab interest in the other person.

Wonder if this is just another half-click - and if I'm the one with the half.

All in all I don't really care - so why do I keep looking at my damn phone for a missed text?

Pride.

A Letter Across Time

My good friend Mike has tagged me for what may be the coolest meme in history.  Word has it it was created by Malach the crazy inventor of all things wondrous - up to now his creations include The 13th Universe, Croatia and the car small enough to drive around a dime. 

The rules are simple:

• Link back to the person who tagged you.
• Send a letter back in time to your 13 year old self.
• Tag 5 more people to do this meme.

And so it begins:

Dear Young, Impressionable Me:

This is you in eight years.  I know you don't believe me, so I'm going to fill you in on YOU.  Right this minute.

• The year is 1999 and you've now finished your first few months of high school.  These will soon be remembered as the best years of your life.  Honestly, you're not "in with the cool crowd" - nor are you a "skag" (you'll later learn this word also stands as a colloquialism for heroin, but that fact never becomes important to you).  In fact, you'll spend the majority of your free time in the gym playing basketball.  No, you'll never play professionally - in fact, one of your greatest regrets will be that you gave the sport up during the later years of high school.  Fortunately you'll replace this activity with Speech - something that will be of immense importance to you in your later years.
• You've just ended a "relationship" with a girl named Tiffany.  Unfortunately you just weren't that interested in her.  She would end up messing her life up - so maybe you made the right choice. 
  
• You have always been known as the smart kid - a fact that will garner you a fair amount of shit during high school.  Fortunately, just like now, you don't give a damn about anyone else's opinions.  This fact will both help and hinder you.
  
• You're on lockdown at home.  This will continue until you move out.  People tell you they're afraid you're going to rebel because of the strictness of your parents - know now that they are completely right.  You just rebel totally differently than anyone will ever anticipate.

So I've got your attention.  Let me begin by telling you that the 8 years between you and me will be the shortest years of your life.  Soon you'll be 16 and then 18 and then 21 - and it'll all be a blur.  Don't let me scare you though - while you've made a few mistakes, you've learned from them and your life is now challenging - but extremely happy and fun.

In the next eight years there will be a major terrorist attack, a war based almost entirely on "truthiness" - a word that, as of now, does not exist - and a rising and falling economy.  The world will be at the brink of war - but when hasn't it been?  However, this war will affect your family in ways that even I do not yet know - yeah, this war isn't over.

During the next few years you will become an excellent speaker and will garner a lot of respect from your teachers; unfortunately, you will become a bit egotistical and will therefore become a mediocre student.  Maybe you want to change that now, but I can't say it's ever affected you much.

This egotism of yours will be a thinly veiled mask - you're unfortunately under confident and unsure of yourself.  So you cover it by spouting off random trivia and being the consummate know-it-all.  Looking back the only thing saving you from being a TOTAL douche is the fact that you're decent looking.  Oh and hey - you'll never be as tall as you'd like to be, so get the hell over THAT now.

Nothing that happens in HS will stick out as creating a particular impression on you but trust me - your school defines you as something totally different.  You live in a small town - a small COUNTRY town at that.  Occasionally the ideas and thoughts espoused by the natives of this town will come to complete odds with what you've learned from living your entire life (up to this year, in fact) in Germany.  Fortunately all the time you spent in other countries will help you in becoming understanding and patient with the beliefs of others, no matter how wrong you think they really are.  This will serve you well in the next few years.  I suspect it will serve us both well for the rest of our lives.

An odd thing will happen to you - you will be kicked out of your house a few months after turning 18.  Fortunately you established a loan on your 18th birthday that will (by this time) be paid off - so you'll move in to your first apartment the day after being kicked out;  it will happen that your first month will be free and no deposit will be required.  Serendipitous.  Your life will be a series of serendipitous events - please learn to be thankful soon.

In the above vein - your mother will have kicked you out for no apparent reason.  She's stressed.  This move will cause much fighting between your mother and father - you are the only child and your dad lived a hard life.  He's afraid to subject you to that.  Your mom will feel guilty about kicking you out for years after - never let her feel bad about it.  I haven't.  Again, things will work out for you ridiculously well.  Learn to be thankful please.

The day after (literally) you will meet an older girl at a club.  Her ex husband (who is one hundred pounds heavier and a half foot taller) will attack you.  Fortunately he is extremely drunk.  You will whoop his ass.  Realize now that it was because he was extremely drunk - not because you're a total badass.  Well, maybe a LITTLE because you're a total badass...  but anyway.

This event will set the next three years of your life in motion.  Little do you know this woman has a child.  A beautiful little blonde princess.  You will fall in love - and you will think it's because of the woman.  Know now it's the daughter - and know that your love for her will change your life forever.

You will land an excellent job at a Fortune 500 company and make a ridiculous amount of money for your age.  You will not appreciate this.  But you will use it to take care of said woman and little girl for the next two years.  You. Will. Grow. Up.  You will continue attending college, working full time and taking care of a family and you will sincerely enjoy it.  Unfortunately, this Pax Parad0x will end and you and woman will break up - not messily, but you will break up - and you will spend the rest of your time wondering how terribly this will affect her/your daughter.  I am still trying to make the adjustment as easy for her as possible and strongly suspect she will always be a part of my life.

If there is a lesson you can learn from this experience, it is this: You can not save everyone.

The next year plus will be spent in self-discovery.  Up to now you have avoided testing your personality out - seeing who you really are.

You'll meet a friend at work who will introduce you to the party scene - and you will have your first drink at twenty.  I know, I know - you hate the idea of alcohol now.  Fortunately, you will be responsible with its use - perhaps because you did not begin experimenting with it until a "late" age.  You will meet more friends - and you will buy a motorcycle. 

You will wreck it and come close to losing your life.  Look at your left hand now.  In 8 years it won't look quite that smooth.  Freddy Krueger.  Haha - just messin'.  It's not QUITE that bad.

This motorcycle purchase will be among your greatest ever regrets.

During all this you'll gain a roommate and best friend - oddly, this roommate was at the exact opposite spectrum during your high school years;  Everyone will be surprised by your friendship.  This will lead to your realization that people's perception really IS based on first experiences.  This will haunt your roommate for a while to come.

Within a few months you will be introduced to marijuana and you will enjoy its use immensely.  It will lead you to research the plant, it's origins, its effects on the body and the dangers of its use.  You will learn that your government began using this drug as a reason to persecute illegal immigrants - and you will learn that governments with too much power will never change.  You've always been interested in politics but never so much as after your first use of Cannabis Sativa. 

Now you are selling your house and going back to school full time.  You'll graduate in about 8 months and the world after that is your oyster.  I don't know what happens next, but I do know that one can see the future by studying the past.  So far things are looking good for you, kid. 

Don't screw it up.

Your best friend,
You



Now for the final rule - I'm tagging the following to complete this meme.  If you hate memes, get over it - you'll appreciate this one.

• Counsellor in Cultivation
• Kerstin
• Sara Sue (even though you may have already been tagged)
• Mybrid
• Angry Chavez

Thanks again to Mikey

I have a confession

I critique your MySpace page relentlessly.

I'm the guy who secretly mocks your inability to put coherent sentences together in your "About Me."  I know you can hear me in the back of your head.  I'm that vehement laugh.

I mock your dramatic headlines - "I need sweet surender from this life! [sic]"  I mock your pictures labeled "HoTtIE" - especially when you're NoTtIE.

I chuckle at your "mood updates."  "I want to be your first, your last - your one and only."  "All I'm waiting for is the chance to sweep you off your feet!"  Terrible game.  Terrible.

I am the lurker - the bastard whose opinions you always consider before pressing "Update Profile" - 'Will anyone think I'm dumb for posting this in my profile?"

Yes.  Me.  I do.

There.  I totally feel better.